seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
