She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
