Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
