I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
