"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
the raccoons are back...
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