Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
