This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
