i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
