I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
