If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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