if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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