i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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