Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
