I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
