Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
