did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
