Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
