i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
