They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
