I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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