If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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