I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
