I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
