My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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