if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
