I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
