we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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