I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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