i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
