u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
