Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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