it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
