No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
