So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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