i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
