Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
