OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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