ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
