I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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