I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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