Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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