My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
