Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
