i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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