im drinking this country out of the recession.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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