The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
