good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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