Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am midnight drunk by noon
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I pour the whiskey from now on
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
