i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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