it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
