From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
